


The Adventures Of Holy Uncle and Yeehaw Uncle

by LeiaOrgana9



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Babysitting, Dorks in Love, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, It's 4AM, M/M, i kid you not, smut if i get confident??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-08-24 13:44:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16641285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeiaOrgana9/pseuds/LeiaOrgana9
Summary: I'm really sick, so I decided to write about my two favourite dorks!





	1. In Which Frieda Gains Two Extra Dads

**Author's Note:**

> Kenny Ackerman babysitting. I kid you not. (Also, Frieda is younger, about six, in this, so forgive me if she seems out of character). And I'd be lying if I said baby Frieda wasn't inspired by my cousin)

Why would Kenny The Ripper know anything about childcare? Furthermore, why would anyone trust Kenny The Ripper with their child? He had no idea, but that was what was happening.  
"Are you kidding me?"  
"I wish I was." Uri looked up calmly from the stack of papers on his desk. "Rod has a conference in the capital and we need to take care of Frieda. The other children are staying with their mother, but they haven't got a spare room for her. She's going to stay with us."  
“That’s such a bullshit excuse! Can’t they double up?”  
“You’re asking Rod’s children to do something generous, what do you think? And Frieda seems weirdly in love with you.”  
It was true. She’d hang off his arm whenever they saw each other, begging to hear stories about the Underground. She seemed under the impression he’d been pulling off heists or non violent crimes, which was for the best, in both Kenny and Rod’s eyes.   
“All we have to do is read her a story and make sure she sleeps well.” How he could remain so serene was utterly beyond Kenny.   
“I know it’s not ideal, but it’s one night and she is my niece. She’ll be sleeping in my room and I’ll take the couch.” Uri said this as though the King of the Walls sleeping on the couch was a regular thing. It was, he slept everywhere, like a cat, but that wasn’t the point.   
“You’ll take the couch over my dead body. I’ll sleep there.”  
“You have to be on the upper level in case something happens to Frieda.”  
Kenny exhaled through his teeth. How come, he could seduce anyone, anyone, but this tiny little saint? How come the idea of sharing a room, let alone a bed, with him made him blush slightly? Kenny The Ripper did not blush. Nor did he take care of children, but he was doing both now.   
“She’ll be arriving at seven.” Uri said, like it settled the matter. 

-

The bell rang at exactly seven, scaring the both of them out of their skins. Kenny already had a knife halfway out of his pocket and Uri was already frantically waving at him to “FOR WALLS SAKE, PUT THE KNIFE AWAY!” when the door swung open to reveal Freida, who looked delighted to see her new dads, and Rod, who looked like he was reconsidering every life decision that had led him to this point. Kenny smiled. Rod’s lip curled. “She eaten dinner, just take care of her. I’ll be back in the morning.” And with that, he left his unperturbed daughter with a titan and a former serial killer. 

“Hi Frieda! Would you like to see you room?” Uri took her hand and led her upstairs, hissing at Kenny to “hide your weapons NOW.” Kenny did a last sweep of the house, even emptying the cutlery draw. By the time Uri and Frieda were clattering down the stairs, every sharp object was under the couch, behind the bookshelf or in some forgotten cupboard somewhere.   
“Ok, storytime! Kenny, can I talk to you?” Uri announced somewhat shrilly. He led Frieda towards the sofa and she snuggled in a corner while Kenny was forcibly marched from the room. “For what reason was there a sword under my mattress?”   
“... To defend yourself with?”  
“Frieda was so excited, running about the room, threw herself on the bed and a sword fell out. What fresh hell would we be in right now if she was impaled? Nevermind, I don’t want to know.”  
“To be fair, it was a dagger and it wasn’t all that sharp. I’m really sorry, I must have missed it in the search.” Kenny The Ripper didn’t apologise. Except to Uri Reiss.   
“Just make it up to her and read her a story.”  
They’d selected a book on the ocean and its creatures because, as Uri put it, “Whatever! She’ll just eat me and know one day anyway!”   
They made their way back into the sitting room where Frieda was waiting, book in her hands. Uri sat down and began to read. Kenny was slightly aware of his head nodding as a loud thump hit the door like a rock had been thrown at it. Uri went pale. He got up and opened the door to reveal a dirty, scrawny cat, pieces missing from his ear. “Ripper!” Uri scolded. “You stay out until morning, remember!” Now, Kenny The Ripper did not have a soft spot for animals. No way. Vermin, they were. But Ripper had followed him like an assassin all the way from the underground to the Reiss land and Uri’s little cottage on the outskirts of the palace grounds. He had to admire the cat’s enthusiasm. Eventually, Uri had relented and let Ripper stay for a while, on the condition that he got lost whenever they had company. In response to Uri, Ripper spat a dead mouse onto the carpet. “Aww!” Frieda didn’t seem to mind. “Look! He thinks we’re hungry!”   
“Thanks Ripper, we’re not anymore.” Uri picked the dead leaves from the moggy’s coat. “Kenny can you help me - FRIEDA, DON’T TOUCH THAT!”

-

A few well-scrubbed minutes later, everyone was beyond ready for bed. Frieda was sent upstairs to get changed and the two men collapsed on the sofa, Ripper happily sandwiched between them like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. “You sir,” Uri said, elbowing Ripper.”You are in such deep trouble. Rod is going to make you into a very mangey rug.”   
“I’m ready!” Frieda called.  
“Okay, we’ll be up in a minute!” Uri responded.  
Kenny got up. Knowing what was coming, Ripper made a break for the stairs before being throw unceremoniously out the door. Uri held out his arms and Kenny pulled him upright. For a split second, they were nose to nose, blue eyes meeting grey.   
“Can Ripper have a sleepover?” Frieda shouted.  
Uri broke the silence to reply “Absolutely not!”  
The moment was gone.  
They both began the long trek upstairs.

-

Uri was already in bed by the time Kenny arrived. He looked so peaceful in the pale moonlight. He looked… beautiful. Kenny The Ripper didn’t have beautiful things. Except Uri Reiss.


	2. In Which Tea Is Spilled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny and Uri attend a formal dinner. Enough said.

“Are you sure we have to go to this?”  
“Absolutely. They’re expecting us.”  
Kenny heaved a dramatic sigh. Uri rolled his eyes.  
“But your family are crazy and rich!”  
“I admit the people are… Interesting, but the food is worth it. You haven’t lived til you’ve had my mother’s desserts.”  
“You haven’t lived until you’ve had my grandpa’s alcohol. Almost one hundred percent pure. It’s led to many a family feud.”  
“Why am I not surprised? Plus, I can’t have alcohol.”  
That stopped Kenny in his tracks. “What?! Why?!”  
“Kenny, I’m the head of the church, I can’t exactly get wasted on a weekend. Apparently I have to remain pure.”  
“So you’ve never had any fun?”  
“Define fun.”  
“Not sitting at home reading all day. I have much to teach you.”  
“I’d rather remain clueless, thanks.”  
They’d arrived at the large oak doors that marked the entrance to the Reiss family mansion, but to Kenny, they looked suspiciously like the gates to hell. Same thing.   
“Right.” Uri looked apprehensive. “Just don’t mention the string of violent murders, or you’ll spend the night in the dungeon.”  
“You have dungeons?!”  
Uri had already swung open the door and was hit with a wave of small children greeting him. Frieda took Kenny’s hand and said “You look like you’re gonna throw up.”  
Kenny gave her a strained smile. “Maybe!”  
“Dessert’s worth it.” She reassured.   
Rod looked as pleased to see Kenny as Kenny was to see him. He and Uri were gently pushing the children towards the dining room. Again, for such a nice house, their doors looked very harsh and very much like the gates that greeted the damned. Against his better judgement, Kenny passed through them and was met by a massive dining room and a tiny woman who he assumed was Uri’s mother. She had long silver hair braided around her head and wore a simple but pretty dress. She offered her hand, bowing slightly.   
“You must be Kenny!”   
She spoke in a friendly, calm voice, no hint of Rod’s pretentiously fancy accent.   
“Uri speaks so highly of you! What a lovely coat!”   
She gestured to the dirty off-white trench coat that never left Kenny’s side. It looked like it had never been washed when it was compared with the fresh white cloth that lined the dining table.   
“Thank you…”  
Uri passed by and shot him a Everything Is Great And I’d Like To Keep It That Way smile. Once Rod had herded his children through the entrance hall (it was like herding cats) Uri’s mother invited them to the table. As they sat down, as if by magic, a line of servants bearing the first course filed into the room. It was soup (thank Walls) but served in what appeared to be a very flat bowl. Fancy. It would take one small misplaced scoop to send the entire thing overboard. Maybe it was a test? Kenny couldn’t help but feel like they were playing with fire with seven small children and an ex-serial killer near the best linen. Uri’s mother looked on serenely as she took her linens life into her own hands as the children tucked in. Kenny was beginning to be somewhere near to enjoying himself when whoever did the laundry’s worst nightmares were realised. There was a noise. Maybe a kid kicked the table by accident or somebody coughed, but it hit Kenny’s worn-thin nerves and he dropped the spoon into the bowl of soup. It was like dropping a boulder into a bathtub. The tablecloth was carnage. Frieda held in a snort. Uri looked near death. Rod was beside himself that he finally had a reason to hate Kenny. Yet still, Uri’s mother remained sane and dabbed at it delicately with an equally expensive napkin and smiled like there wasn’t a huge red stain on her carpet and dining table. The main course passed with minimal trouble and the famed dessert was drawing closer when the string of waiters came out carrying small pots of tea. All was well. Dessert was coming until some little shit decided to crawl around under the table and trip a waiter. The tea went flying. Instincts kicked in. Uri lunged for the china pot and kenny lunged for the tea currently flying towards Mrs Reiss. It hit him like a bullet. He was drenched in boiling liquid, but that look of horror and gratitude on Uri’s face was well worth it. “Thank you, Kenny.” Mrs Reiss was shaken but unhurt. “Abel, sweetie, sit at the table next time and maybe Uncle Kenny won’t have to get third degree burns for me, okay?” Abel looked suitably ashamed. Little shit. And just like that, he became Uncle Kenny. He had never been so proud and in pain at the same time. That tea was like lava. 

-

“Thank you for saving my mother from certain death.”   
They were walking home now.   
“Anytime. Well done catching that pot. Dessert was worth it.”  
“I’m glad you had some fun. And thanks again for saving my mother.”  
Uri reached up on his tiptoes and gently kissed Kenny.  
“Goodnight.”  
And with that, Uri left Kenny standing outside absolutely gobsmacked and probably looking at his most unattractive. He was drenched in cold tea, had just ruined a nice ladies tablecloth and had been kissed by the king of the walls, who was admittedly extremely cute.   
Not too bad for one night.


	3. In Which They Get A Christmas Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Kenny wants for Walls Day is Uri

“Happy Walls Eve!” Uri announced.  
“Happy whom?”  
“Walls Eve? The closest thing we have to a date for the Walls creation? A day of celebration?”  
“Yeah, in the Underground we call it the Try-Not-To-Freeze-To-Death Festival.”  
“Hilarious. I have a sermon at midnight.”  
“A day of celebration and you have get up at midnight and talk to other people?”  
“It’s tradition.”  
“Screw tradition, I want my sleep.”  
“You get gifts and food the morning after.”  
“Well that makes it all alright! Can I get an extra hour of rest for my Walls Day gift?”  
“Bold of you to assume you’ll get a gift after the stunt you pulled with Ripper and my antique curtains.”  
“How else was I supposed to get him off?”  
“Not by taking a knife to my great-grandmothers life’s work!”  
“I more than made up for that with soup-gate.” Kenny gave Uri what he hoped was a winning smile. It looked more like what it was; a grinning serial killer. Uri looked unimpressed.   
“That, you did, and may have to do again. Tomorrow is a day of family. Be prepared.”  
“No! Rod will assassinate me and Frieda’s going to get attached to a small animal again.”  
It was true. Her mother had only just convinced her that Penelope was not her new best friend and was, in fact, a cooked shrimp she’d taken from a starter at a fancy restaurant. Nevertheless, Penelope was given a proper burial in Uri’s front lawn. Kenny pretended no to see Ripper digging poor Penny up, minutes later.   
“If Rod has a problem, he can go through me. Besides, Freida is vegetarian now. No crustaceans for her.” There was a thud like a small meteor at the door, interrupting the conversation. “I swear, that cat is getting bigger by the day. Kenny let in a slightly snow dusted moggy, who proceeded to shake a tree full of leaves out of his coat and onto a rug that probably belonged to a long dead relative of the Reiss family. Uri looked down at the cat with a mix of exasperation and mild irritation in his eyes. The cat looked back with murder in his.   
“Another peep out of you, and you can sleep in the snow tonight.” Uri threatened.  
Ripper looked unperturbed.  
“And you are getting bigger, look! You look like a basketball.” He did. Thanks to a steady diet of fine food and whatever scraps Frieda could sneak away, Ripper looked like he’d lived in the lap of luxury his whole life. Except significantly less well groomed. Having been sufficiently insulted, Ripper began to very slowly sharpen his claws on some very expensive rugs. Uri and Ripper had been waging near constant war since Ripper exploded into their lives. At least, they were waging war when they weren’t curled up peacefully asleep together. Kenny would like to think that they were vying for his attention, but it was more likely for ownership of the couch.   
“Just be ready for midnight!”

-

Sure enough, come midnight, there was a gentle knock at Kenny’s door. Uri poked his head around the door, already fully dressed. “Get up! We’re going to be late!”   
In response, Kenny rolled from his bed to the floor with a thud. That told Uri. Around ten minutes later, Kenny was as ready as you could be for anything at midnight. They set off walking for the small church in the village in the freezing cold.  
“Couldn’t we have got a carriage or something?” Kenny’s teeth were starting to chatter.   
“Not without waking the entire village with the racket. Besides, we’re nearly there.” Uri uncurled his arms from the warm, protective nest of robe long enough to indicate the shape of the church in the distance.   
“We’re going to be late.” Uri looked worried.  
“Race you?”  
-

They arrived at the church bedraggled but laughing like maniacs.   
“I won!” Uri lent against the wall, trying to catch his breath.   
“You’re fast!” Kenny had only just caught up with him.  
People were starting to congregate outside the church. Uri greeted them all one by one. Kenny took a seat toward the front as everyone filed in. The sermon was long and not particularly interesting, but Uri’s face was enough. He looked so passionate and excited as he spoke of peace and love to the rich people of Wall Sina who had only ever known peace and love. But he also taught of hardship and pain to those had none. Kenny could have watched him talk about the most pointless thing forever. He could have been entertained for life just examining the face in front of him. Uri was pale and thin, but he lit up whenever he talked, came alive with his gentle but sarcastic personality. He was intelligent and witty and seemed to understand everything and everyone. He was nothing like the monster he was made out to be. The monster he had inside. 

-

“Thank you for coming with me.” They were walking home now. It had begun to snow lightly while they were in the church. It was bitterly cold, but somehow, they didn’t feel it as much. Call it the spirit of Walls Day or whatever, but Kenny felt… comfortable? He’d lived his entire life running from something, but now he felt like he was almost safe. Home.   
Home was with this tiny feisty priest and his insane family and mangy cat.


End file.
